Fear

I'm a runner. I run away from people. I run from myself. I run away from reality. I run away from decisions. I run away from my problems. My problems that I'm not brave enough to face. Problems that I either don't know how or don't want to deal with. I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to know certain things but I don't want to not know certain things. I don't want to not have total control. Whenever I don't feel like I have an option or plan that I'm mostly comfortable with, I feel belittled. I feel minimized in control because I can't see the finish line. I don't know what an outcome might be. Sometimes I linger, and wait for change. Change in my situation. I try to wait for time to take it's toll and then, and only then, will I make my move. I don't wait for long, being the impatient person I am. If I'm lucky, my temporary patience will work in my favor and change will come. But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I end up doing something I'm all too familiar with. Running, leaving things incomplete, not interested in an ending or closure. Just like a coward.

My fear is fear.

Ain't trippin'

That insecure girlfriend. The one always checking on all your social network sites. Always assuming and "asking' all them questions". The one who always has the thought in the back of her mind that you're cheating on her. The one who trips when you go out with your boys all night. The one who always wants to know where you are and who you're with. The one who comes up with a million scenarios of what you were doing last night, who you were screwing last night.

I used to be her, and I have no problem admitting to it. Why? Because I'm growing as a person and you can't learn if you never do anything wrong. I didn't want to be that "always stressed and unhappy but acting like she's stuck in her relationship" kind of girl. Plus, I realized that's not the point of a relationship.. at all.

Now, my mindset has changed. I don't get mad. I don't ask a million questions. I don't breathe down his neck 24/7. Because now I know that if he really does love me like he says he does, I have nothing to worry about. And I'm not constantly trying to figure if he's cheating because if he is doing anything, it shows me that he doesn't deserve me; I'm quite sure there are others out there who are mature enough to have eyes for me and only me. That shows disrespect, dishonesty, and disloyalty and those are three things that I absolute do not want in my life, no matter how much I love you; I'm not gonna sell myself short while I'm steady giving you my all. And I'm not worried about me maybe never finding out something because I do believe what's done in the dark will always come to light. I expect what he expects from me: commitment. And if he decides to disappoint, then he'll face the consequences. Simple as that.

So with that being said, "I ain't trippin'" (in my ghetto voice).