Coping..

Last month, I lost my grandmother on my father's side of the family--"Mama". Mama was no doubt the grandparent I was closest to. I was her first granddaughter. Up until 2nd or 3rd grade, I was at her house every morning and afternoon. She was there to pick me up from school everyday. She partially raised me until she moved back to Virginia. And even so, I spent every summer at her house until I was around 10 or 11 years old (until I moved to Georgia). We still visited her from time to time but it wasn't the same, and our relationship became a more distant, "over the phone" relationship. She called all the time, with funny stories to tell me or new people (mostly family members) to explain to me. She was so protective.. her family was her pride. She got sick last year. She made a brief move to my aunt's house but didn't like it. She loved being a strong, independent woman. We spent last year's Christmas with her and even then it never ever crossed my mind that I would lose her, or that she would be gone. I never thought she wouldn't get through something. She was my last grandparent alive, besides my great-grandmother, and one of the the two grandparents I've ever known (didn't know my mom's parents).

It was like a smack in the face when my father informed us of her passing. It was truly a shock for me, all my cousins, etc. Mama was the glue that held our family together. We all had countless memories with her, together and separately. Everyday, she finds her way into my thoughts. Somehow, I always end up thinking about her somewhere within my day, no matter what type of day it is or what I'm doing. It's still unbelievable. It's still hard.

I did not enjoy the funeral. I was crying the whole time. I believe I didn't enjoy it mostly because it was a true reality check. A real smack in the face. A real confirmation of the fact that she was gone. And I didn't understand why people were laughing and smiling after the service was over. And I'm sure they didn't understand why I wasn't. It didn't feel the same as when my grandfather passed. I didn't like it at all.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to believe it or be okay with it. But I'm coping. It took me about a month to write this blog post, but I knew I would. To be true to myself, and kind of get some things off my chest. It's all a part of coping.. Or at least trying to cope.

R.I.P. Mama, I love you so much and miss you more than you can imagine ♥