Making Bad Decisions/Consequences

Living in the moment. I'm pretty sure everyone has heard of the phrase. But just in case you haven't, it means to live for the present and the present only. You're not looking at the past and you're not thinking about the future. You're living for now, and nothing else matters. Some say it's the key to happiness and others say it will only cause you to make bad decisions that you'll later regret. For me, it's both. I like living in the moment because I simply do whatever I want to do, which, of course, would make happy. I feel free from all restrictions, and as if no one can stop me. But, living in the moment is also why I have gotten into trouble many times before. I don't think about my possible consequences (future) nor do I look back on similar circumstances (past). But I'm happy when "living in the moment", also. So which do I choose: unhappiness without any trouble or happiness with trouble (later)? Most of the time I choose trouble later because I believe life is about being happy no matter what anyone else thinks. It's about being you. I chase every chance I get to have happiness, because I'm often not in the best mood due to my insecurities and inner issues. I also like living in the moment because I like to rebel against people who try to tell me I can't do things. Most of the time those people are my parents. If they would tell me I couldn't do something that one of my friends could do, I would get very very upset and felt that they were restricting me for no reason.. but they were only trying to protect me because they care. I thought they were very unfair because I was a good kid (for the most part) and I felt that I should be allowed to do everything I wanted to do. But they have realized that they can't hold onto me as tight as they used to because soon enough they'll have to let me go completely. They are being somewhat more lenient now. Well, my mom is at least.

Half a year ago is when it truly opened my eyes that I should not live in the moment, even if I'm happiest when I do. There were many consequences I had to face and I realized the trouble is so much worse than the short amount of happiness I get. I think realizing this placed me a step closer to maturity. I still have my moments where I don't care about anything but the "now" but I really am working on this problem. I try to remember to think before I act. I tell myself no sometimes, to save me from trouble. I stopped doing a lot of the things I used to do all the time. I'm more cautious of what image I'm portraying when I do things. I'm making progress, slowly but surely. And I'm proud of myself for that, even if I don't always get what I want.

Can't you just be happy for my happiness?

Most of my close friends don't like me with the boy I'm with, at all. Which forces me to choose between them or him. I don't want to but I honestly think they should support me instead of down me. So I choose him most of the time. This relationship has been going on for almost a year now, they need to chill. I'm happy.. 

No one knows me.

It's so hard to be so hurt inside yet having to continuously tell myself "do not cry", remind myself to stay strong, and try to keep all my emotions inside. It's become such routine for me to put on a fake smile or utter a false laugh around others although I'm really upset or down. This builds up so much more insecurity and anger inside of me. I honestly think some doctors would diagnose me with depression if I actually came to them with all my true inner problems.

Seriously, according to WebMD, I fit each one of the symptoms o.O I think the reason I'm like this is because I have a hard time trusting people with anything. On top of that, people already irritate me so I don't really like to be considered a "friend" to many people. I might know your face and your name, but if that's it, I won't consider you my friend. So I most definitely don't trust many with my feelings. Also, I don't like showing people my "weak" side. I don't want people to see me upset or to know that I'm really broken inside. I'm sort of scared that my feelings/thoughts might be too much for a simple mind, too. I have serious issues with myself and I'm often misunderstood, so I feel like most people wouldn't even understand. I feel like I'd be wasting my breathe anyway. I like to keep it all in because I feel like I can and need to handle my problems on my own.

I'm a very naturally independent person for the most part. I guess you can say that I consider myself my own real "best friend", although I really do have best friends. Even with them, I don't show my true emotions. For example, I might tell them all my business and stuff like that but I won't really sit there and cry about it, even though I might want to. Most of the time, I laugh it off and say "It's whatever though." As a result of this, I often feel extremely alone because I don't let anyone truly know me. My friends are always "there for me" if I need to simply talk about something to them but I still find myself keeping things held within. They don't even know about my blog, because this is my place to express my true feelings. So technically, I am alone. It's just me, and my feelings and thoughts. My secrets. My true colors. The real me.