No one knows me.

It's so hard to be so hurt inside yet having to continuously tell myself "do not cry", remind myself to stay strong, and try to keep all my emotions inside. It's become such routine for me to put on a fake smile or utter a false laugh around others although I'm really upset or down. This builds up so much more insecurity and anger inside of me. I honestly think some doctors would diagnose me with depression if I actually came to them with all my true inner problems.

Seriously, according to WebMD, I fit each one of the symptoms o.O I think the reason I'm like this is because I have a hard time trusting people with anything. On top of that, people already irritate me so I don't really like to be considered a "friend" to many people. I might know your face and your name, but if that's it, I won't consider you my friend. So I most definitely don't trust many with my feelings. Also, I don't like showing people my "weak" side. I don't want people to see me upset or to know that I'm really broken inside. I'm sort of scared that my feelings/thoughts might be too much for a simple mind, too. I have serious issues with myself and I'm often misunderstood, so I feel like most people wouldn't even understand. I feel like I'd be wasting my breathe anyway. I like to keep it all in because I feel like I can and need to handle my problems on my own.

I'm a very naturally independent person for the most part. I guess you can say that I consider myself my own real "best friend", although I really do have best friends. Even with them, I don't show my true emotions. For example, I might tell them all my business and stuff like that but I won't really sit there and cry about it, even though I might want to. Most of the time, I laugh it off and say "It's whatever though." As a result of this, I often feel extremely alone because I don't let anyone truly know me. My friends are always "there for me" if I need to simply talk about something to them but I still find myself keeping things held within. They don't even know about my blog, because this is my place to express my true feelings. So technically, I am alone. It's just me, and my feelings and thoughts. My secrets. My true colors. The real me.