She Can't Make Up Her Mind

Guess who got their own domain again? Me! Lol, many of you who follow my blogspot blog know that prior to this I owned my own domain (lovekiara.info) for a year (also andkiara.com for about 2 years before that), then it expired and I didn't feel the need to renew it. I thought blogger would be better for me because it was free and simple. I wasn't really into blogging as much as I used to be so I didn't think I needed anything more than what blogger offered. But I was wrong! Blogger has been good to me but I miss the flexibility and complexity of Wordpress. I've been using Wordpress for years now and I just can't stay away for too long. Wordpress is honestly the best platform for blogging. Also, I missed having my own simple domain so I bought a new one. Almost like my last domain but with a .com extension instead. So, this is goodbye Blogger (once again). Find me at my new url: lovekiara.com. Nothing's changed, just the domain!

Catching Up

Long time, no post! I can't believe it's literally been two months since I've last blogged.. I guess you can say time got away from me. But, a lot of exciting things have happened in my life since I last blogged and I can only thank God for everything he has done. Here's just a quick little update.

Since October...

• I got my first car! My parents bought me a 2005 Chevy Malibu in November and I am very very grateful for that, especially since I don't even have a job (yet) to pay for gas. 
• Received an official starting day for work: February 19th (I know, so far). I mentioned in a much earlier post that I got a job as an assistant to a woman who is starting an event planning business. Of course it has been a process but I'm glad that things are finally coming along!
• For the first time in years, I spent Thanksgiving with my entire immediate family (immediate aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). We were all kind of uneasy that my grandmother could not join us but it felt good to have the family all together again! Losing the meaning and value of family is terrible and I never want that to happen to my family because out of all the things my grandmother taught us all, the most important was that family comes first. I seriously had the best week ever with them.. didn't want to come back to Georgia!
• My senior year of cheerleading has begun! Lots of memories to be made and  of course, seniority privileges :)
• Finished my five college applications before winter break. Goal accomplished!
• Speaking of applications, I got my first acceptance letter today! Not to mention, it was from my top choice out of the colleges I've applied to: Georgia State University. I still haven't come down from the high the words "Accepted" gave me. Too excited!
• Finals are next week for me, then I'm done with semester (currently have all A's for all my classes). Only five more months until graduation!!!
• My favorite holiday season is here: Christmas Season! This is the most wonderful time of the year, for sure! Happy Holidays, everyone :)

Spirit Week & Homecoming

Monday - No School

Tuesday - Decades Day

Wednesday - Nerd Day

Thursday - Character Day

Friday - Spirit Day

Saturday - Homecoming!

Coping..

Last month, I lost my grandmother on my father's side of the family--"Mama". Mama was no doubt the grandparent I was closest to. I was her first granddaughter. Up until 2nd or 3rd grade, I was at her house every morning and afternoon. She was there to pick me up from school everyday. She partially raised me until she moved back to Virginia. And even so, I spent every summer at her house until I was around 10 or 11 years old (until I moved to Georgia). We still visited her from time to time but it wasn't the same, and our relationship became a more distant, "over the phone" relationship. She called all the time, with funny stories to tell me or new people (mostly family members) to explain to me. She was so protective.. her family was her pride. She got sick last year. She made a brief move to my aunt's house but didn't like it. She loved being a strong, independent woman. We spent last year's Christmas with her and even then it never ever crossed my mind that I would lose her, or that she would be gone. I never thought she wouldn't get through something. She was my last grandparent alive, besides my great-grandmother, and one of the the two grandparents I've ever known (didn't know my mom's parents).

It was like a smack in the face when my father informed us of her passing. It was truly a shock for me, all my cousins, etc. Mama was the glue that held our family together. We all had countless memories with her, together and separately. Everyday, she finds her way into my thoughts. Somehow, I always end up thinking about her somewhere within my day, no matter what type of day it is or what I'm doing. It's still unbelievable. It's still hard.

I did not enjoy the funeral. I was crying the whole time. I believe I didn't enjoy it mostly because it was a true reality check. A real smack in the face. A real confirmation of the fact that she was gone. And I didn't understand why people were laughing and smiling after the service was over. And I'm sure they didn't understand why I wasn't. It didn't feel the same as when my grandfather passed. I didn't like it at all.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to believe it or be okay with it. But I'm coping. It took me about a month to write this blog post, but I knew I would. To be true to myself, and kind of get some things off my chest. It's all a part of coping.. Or at least trying to cope.

R.I.P. Mama, I love you so much and miss you more than you can imagine ♥

Favorite iPhone Apps

If you really really really knew me, you would know that I:

• am obsessed with my iPhone
• am also obsessed with Google programs (never had nor want an Android though, weird?)
• crave organization (neat freak)
• love trying new things

With all these characteristics, I would say I have a good choice in apps (although I'm very picky with my apps) on my iPhone for organization and daily life. So, I just wanted to share a few of my favorites with y'all! Hopefully you try one out :) Anyway, here are the three screenshots I'll be referring to:

Everyday Notes & Tomorrow HD
Third app on the bottom/main bar and second app in Daily category. Everyday Notes and Tomorrow HD go hand in hand and are made by the same company. They both have three of the aspects I love in an app: simplicity, organization, and available syncing with Google (of course). Everyday Notes is a minimalist app that syncs my Google Calendar events and tasks (from Tomorrow HD) and brings them both together in a clean "everyday notebook" style app. In this app, I can also easily add tasks, events, and notes (notes don't sync, but who cares?). Tomorrow HD is the task portion of Everyday Notes, but as a separate app (and web app) that syncs with Google tasks as well. Honestly, you don't really need the Tomorrow HD app on your phone if you have the Everyday Notes app but some people might only want the tasks. Don't ask me why I have both lol. I love them because they have everything I want and nothing extra... nothing. You do have to pay for the Google sync but I think it's worth it because very very few apps sync with Google Tasks and Calendar at the same time and these do the job well.
TV Guide
Last app in Utilities category. Don't you hate having a billion shows to watch but end up getting caught up in other things so you forget to watch them? Don't you hate seeing a commercial for something you want to watch but forgetting when it comes on and never getting to see it? Well, this app works wonders. TV Guide basically is your personal channel guide and schedule (organizing!). It will give you all the channels, shows, and showtimes according to your television network. You can add shows to your favorites, set alarms for shows, and learn about new shows. You might be thinking that you can do that on your TV already.. but what if you're not home when you see something that interests you? or what if your television isn't on? I love this app! I'm not so good at keeping track of time.. and days.. and things like that so it's perfect for me.
Feedly
Third app in Daily category. Feedly is perfect for my fellow bloggers! We all have blogs we follow and love to read regularly but hate having to individually click on each website to read a post. Feedly, which has a wonderful web app as well, allows you to add all your RSS feeds into one place and creates a magazine style "reading agenda" just for you. You can save posts for later, share posts on social network, and change your theme. The app is beautiful! It organizes (told you I crave it) everything so well and also syncs with Google Reader (yay!). One of the other things I love about this app is that I also use it regularly on my laptop. Both the phone and web app make my blog-reading so much more convenient and simple.

Other Favorites: Songza, Pinterest, Springpad, and iA Writer. Check these out!

P.S. I did receive my new e.l.f. order with the correct items! They even came faster than my first order :) Problem(s) solved and customer service worked fine for me.

Update on E.l.f. Order Discrepancy

So as I told you all in my last post, I had some issues with my order from eyeslipsface.com. They emailed me back today (took about 3 days) and told me that they'd ship my correct products ASAP. I'm pleased with this response yet I'm a little cautious as to if they'll actually do it and how long it'll take. I was actually surprised by the response because after receiving the wrong order, I read a blog post that explained another fairly similar problem and e.l.f. gave her a difficult time. I wasn't expecting such an easy response but I'm glad it wasn't such a hassle with me! Stay tuned for another update!

There's a first for everything!

Happy Sunday everyone! I'm in a good mood today (yay!).. Here's a little recap of my week:

Last weekend I went horseback riding and tubing for the first time ever! For my best friend's 18th birthday we all went to Helen, GA to go horseback riding then tubing on the Chattahoochee River. First let me say that I grew up in New York before I moved to GA. The only time I ever saw a horse was at the zoo. And although we used to live right by the Atlantic Ocean and I can swim, I NEVER dared to actually get in the water (besides my feet). To this day, I still feel some type of way about any kind of natural water (oceans, rivers, lakes, etc.). I just don't feel safe in them. But I sucked all that up for my friend and went tubing for 2 hours on the Chattahoochee River. It wasn't so bad until I had to get out of my tube when I got stuck on rocks and such. I really tried to avoid getting out. The rocks were so slimy and there were fish (and we saw a few SNAKES) swimming around lol.. I just felt more comfortable IN the tube. I'm glad I did it instead of being a little punk though. Lol, but the horseback riding was SO peaceful and relaxing! The scenery was so beautiful and my horse (his name was Edowa) was so sweet! I was actually nervous when we got there and saw the horses up close.. I didn't even want to touch them but once I got on everything changed. I really, really would love to go again!


Also in the past week, me and my boyfriend got back together. I didn't tell you guys that we even broke up lol.. but we did about 2/3 weeks ago. His 18th birthday was on Thursday (September 13th) and we got back together the next day. I'm not really surprised about it.. I knew that things were just too overwhelming for a little while for us to be together but now that we've settle down and adjusted, everything's fine!

Now for the cons of my week. So, last weekend I took advantage of e.l.f.'s online sale/deal. If you spent $20 dollars on any products you were eligible to win the fall favorites collection for free with a code that they gave you. I was very excited about this because I needed new products and brushes so it was an awesome deal for me! I did everything that was required and confirmed my order (which only came to $26.95 with shipping, normally would be about $50). It took about a week for my package to come but I was really happy when it came.. until I opened the box. I recieved all the items I actually paid for but they did not give me my free fall favorites collection. Instead they gave me a whole bunch of other products I did not order or intend on getting. I was very confused and disappointed by this so I checked the website. On the fall favorites collection product page, it did say that if items were out of stock they would be substituted. But, the items weren't out of stock when I ordered them. This made me angry so I sent a LONG email to customer service and I am currently waiting for a reply. I will keep you all updated with this discrepancy! But, on the other hand, I am very pleased with the products I did recieve (correctly):

I've already done my nails (inspiration on Pinterest) and used the makeup and seem to have no problem with it (yet). Speaking of Pinterest, I would love if you all followed me at lovekiara and on Instagram at lovekiara as well! And that basically concludes my week.. Hope you all are having a great day!

My Boring Labor Day

This is what happens when you don't have Labor Day plans *thumbs down* P.S. Dogs make silly faces too!

Fear

I'm a runner. I run away from people. I run from myself. I run away from reality. I run away from decisions. I run away from my problems. My problems that I'm not brave enough to face. Problems that I either don't know how or don't want to deal with. I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to know certain things but I don't want to not know certain things. I don't want to not have total control. Whenever I don't feel like I have an option or plan that I'm mostly comfortable with, I feel belittled. I feel minimized in control because I can't see the finish line. I don't know what an outcome might be. Sometimes I linger, and wait for change. Change in my situation. I try to wait for time to take it's toll and then, and only then, will I make my move. I don't wait for long, being the impatient person I am. If I'm lucky, my temporary patience will work in my favor and change will come. But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I end up doing something I'm all too familiar with. Running, leaving things incomplete, not interested in an ending or closure. Just like a coward.

My fear is fear.

The good and the.. not so good

Well, my first week of senior year is complete, with 30-something more to go, lol. Overall this week was nice and easy. I love my schedule and most of my classes. The things I'm most excited about this year are senior activities, cheerleading, and being on the newspaper staff. Some of you may be wondering why I'm excited about being on the newspaper staff but it's because Journalism (with concentration in Public Relations) is going to be my major next Fall. So I'm just excited to get a head start! I get my license Wednesday, so I'll be driving to school for the rest of the year. That's kind of exciting too. Mostly everything is going good except...

My boyfriend moved into his dorm room yesterday :( I wasn't there to say goodbye because he left while I was in school. That bothered me a lot but we talked as soon as I got out of school, and he told me about packing and how the dorm/campus was and all that. He's extremely excited, while I'm not. I tried to be happy for him but I cried after we hung up. I'm just afraid of how college might change us. Of course he told me not to worry and that everything will be just fine but words don't really work with me. I have to see it to believe it. So, I guess I just have to try to cope with things and wait and see how everything turns out. I just know it's going to be really hard for the both of us, and I'm gonna try to stay positive no matter what happens.

Scholarships & Skin problems

As senior year approaches (about two weeks left), the college application process has been on my mind more than usual. It's about to get real. My parents have been encouraging me to start looking for scholarships to apply for so we can save money when it comes to paying for college next Fall. So far, I've only been looking on fastweb.com, which is really helpful and resourceful, but there's so many! I know there's really no limit on scholarships but it just seems so overwhelming when you are actually in the process. I am glad to get a head start on this and to have an opportunity to receive money but it's also just another aspect of senior year that I can add to my "Things That Stress Me Out" list. Wish me luck, a lot of it.

Also, I recently started breaking out on my face for some reason so I decided to try some new products for facial cleansing and moisturizing. I spent a good 15/20 minutes in the Walmart reading labels and trying to choose which products would fit best for me. In the end, I decided in all Neutrogena products. I got a purifying pore scrub for my face, which will help unclog and detoxify my pores on a daily basis. I also got an oil-free combination skin facial moisturizer, because I tend to have both dry and oily areas of skin on my face. And lastly, I got makeup remover towelettes which will be better for me to use before washing my face instead of just removing the makeup with my facial cleanser. Hopefully, these products do not disappoint! I'll give reviews on them in a later post. What products do you guys use?

P.S. If anyone knows of any scholarship resources that I can use, please let me know!
And I recently started really using Google+ Add Kiara Fair :)

Coming up in the world

Hello, hello! Long time, no post -- I know. I just recently got a job (my first job actually) as an assistant for one of my mom's friends. She owns several business and she doesn't have time to do every little thing so.. she hired me! And I couldn't be happier. Most of the work she needs me to do is done in my own home, on my own computer and phone. We meet every two weeks at my house to discuss and transfer everything she asked of me in the previous two weeks. Along with that, I also accompany her to different types of meetings for different projects she's involved in. Actually, this Thursday I'm attending a meeting with her for an AIDS walk that she's captain of because she wants me to be assistant captain and partner with her for the project. I think this is a great opportunity for me and a very rare first job for a 17 year old senior in high school. I get paid very well, I get to stay in the comfort of my home, I will be involved in a lot of opportunities that most people don't get, and I get to choose what days and times I work, as long as the work is done before we meet (for the most part). She will be a great candidate for writing my letters of recommendations for college when I apply in a few months. Also, I will probably never have to say I've worked in fast food because she wants to work with me now (my senior year of high school) and continue once I'm in college. The only hard part will be trying to balance school, work, and cheerleading once school starts again but I'm sure I'll be fine. All of this is truly a blessing and I can't help but thank God! :)

Birthday Weekend

My 17th birthday was Sunday (yes Father's Day)! I spent the entire weekend with my best friends and boyfriend to celebrate. On Saturday, me and two friends went to this concert called Birthday Bash (by Hot 107.9) in Atlanta.


Then on Sunday, my boyfriend came over and surprised me with jewelry. And later on that night, I went to a party with friends!

So overall, I had a great birthday weekend with the people I love the most and I'm very thankful that I have them in my life :)

Ain't trippin'

That insecure girlfriend. The one always checking on all your social network sites. Always assuming and "asking' all them questions". The one who always has the thought in the back of her mind that you're cheating on her. The one who trips when you go out with your boys all night. The one who always wants to know where you are and who you're with. The one who comes up with a million scenarios of what you were doing last night, who you were screwing last night.

I used to be her, and I have no problem admitting to it. Why? Because I'm growing as a person and you can't learn if you never do anything wrong. I didn't want to be that "always stressed and unhappy but acting like she's stuck in her relationship" kind of girl. Plus, I realized that's not the point of a relationship.. at all.

Now, my mindset has changed. I don't get mad. I don't ask a million questions. I don't breathe down his neck 24/7. Because now I know that if he really does love me like he says he does, I have nothing to worry about. And I'm not constantly trying to figure if he's cheating because if he is doing anything, it shows me that he doesn't deserve me; I'm quite sure there are others out there who are mature enough to have eyes for me and only me. That shows disrespect, dishonesty, and disloyalty and those are three things that I absolute do not want in my life, no matter how much I love you; I'm not gonna sell myself short while I'm steady giving you my all. And I'm not worried about me maybe never finding out something because I do believe what's done in the dark will always come to light. I expect what he expects from me: commitment. And if he decides to disappoint, then he'll face the consequences. Simple as that.

So with that being said, "I ain't trippin'" (in my ghetto voice).

I Want You

Discovered this song today and I instantly fell in love! His voice is amazing and the song just warms my heart.

Senior Trip Torn

As senior year approaches, my friends and I have been trying to make our senior trip arrangements (places, expenses, dates, etc.) We've all been researching different places we'd like to go, but I seem to be torn in between a tropical, "beachy", and relaxing scene or a historical, mesmerizing, city scene. The "tropical, 'beachy', and relaxing" scene I've had in mind is the U.S. Virgin Islands:

And the "historical, mesmerizing, city" scene I've had in mind is Paris, France:

I don't know which one to choose! Both have it's advantages and disadvantages. I also have to keep in mind the whole idea of a "senior trip". I need to choose before it's too late and we don't end up going anywhere. Any help and/or suggestions?!

Modern Definition of Cool

People in our generation define theirselves by how many parties they go to, how many drinks they can handle, how high they were last night, how many hoes they've had, how close they've been to getting arrested, and how much they don't care. And we're supposed to be the future?

Prom 2012

Prom 2012 -- one of the best nights we've had. Still can't believe he's going to be graduating soon, and leaving me with a whole year left of high school. Definitely a great memory :)

Quote

Not every secret is meant to be taken to the grave ... Being a slave to a secret can drive a person crazy and halt blessings in their lives.

Source

20 Interesting Facts

• I can drink orange juice with just about anything.
• I have two tiny beauty marks on my face.
• I'm not sure if I have an "outtie" or "innie" belly button.
• I'm 97 lbs. but I'm very strong for my size.
• I'm half Hatian :)
• I've never been to a state in the USA that isn't on the east coast (touches the Atlantic Ocean).
• I've been to every state from NY to Florida (every one except for those above NY) that's on the East Coast.
• I've never been outside the country.
• I've never stayed at a hospital over night.
• I never really study, but I have a 3.2 GPA.
• I can swim but I don't know how to tread water or float.
• I absolute love the colors red and blue (and pink and blue/turquoise) together (designing, decorating, etc.).
• I can sleep with the lights on or in the pitch dark.
• I've never seen or talked to or met my mother's parents (my grandparents).
• I have like 7 uncles I've never met.
• I love gold with my skin tone. Gold nail polish, gold eye shadow, etc.
• I've never been on a real "vacation".
• I've never been on a boat.
• I've done dance, gymnastics, and most recently cheerleading but I've never been able to do a split :(
• I have cravings like a pregnant lady.

In 10 Years

In 10 years I will be 26/27 years old, depending on what time of the year it is. By 26, I would like to have a degree in Journalism (specifically Public Relations) and a degree in Psychology. I'm certain I'll be working at this point, but I don't know exactly what career I want to have at this age.. As long as it pertains to my degree(s) and gives me good pay. I would like to have a place of my own, although I'm not sure if I'd rather be in an apartment, condo, or house at this point. Probably a small, cozy house. And I'm not sure where I'd like to reside, but I'd like to stay in the urban area. Even though it's not a must, I wouldn't mind being married at this age. But, I shouldn't have any kids yet.. Or if I do, they shouldn't be older than 1. This is an okay age to be pregnant also. I think that sums it all up.. My life in 10 years :)

Current relationship

I love my relationship, as everyone probably knows because of how much I talk about it on here. Ironically, I sent him this yesterday & it should pretty much explain how I feel about him: I'm sitting here trying to come up with the words to explain my love for you and just like any other time, I can't seem to figure it out. This is the craziest & strongest feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. I ask myself over and over: how can one person make me feel so happy? So lucky? So .. Attached? How can I love every single thing about somebody? How can one person make me completely forget how life was before I met them? How can one person become just as important & necessary in my life as air, water, and food? You introduced a new kind of happy, a new kind of love to me. What is love without you? I can't imagine myself with anyone other than you. I can't see myself loving someone the way that I love you. This is a feeling you experience once in a lifetime.. mine came early and I'm never letting it go. Ever. You are everything. Everything is you. I can't go a minute without you crossing my mind. I need you. You complete me. I would be completely broken if you ever leave me. I love you more than anyone can comprehend, and I always will.

I cry.

I hate crying. When I cry, I am weak. I can't be weak. I have to stay strong. Or I have to at least seem strong. How dare I show my weakness? My sensitivity? How dare I let go of my pride? How dare I let something bring me down? How dare I show my feelings? Why would I cry? Why do I cry? Isn't all I do, is cry? Don't I cry everyday? Alone, always alone. But I do, multiple times a day. I cry, always. How do I take these tears away?

Quote

A man who fails to have a plan, plans to fail.

My Addicting, Unhealthy Relationship

My boyfriend (same one from this post) and I have been in a relationship for 11 months, soon to be a year on March 11th. Although we are a young couple, we've been through hell and back. Our relationship has survived a lot of obstacles that most relationships don't. And I do believe I'm in love with him, but is our relationship healthy? In my opinion, no.

The most common relationship "maker or breaker" is trust. If there is no trust, there is no relationship, right? I've already said we've been through a lot.. And we're still together at the end of the day.. But those "obstacles" definitely had an impact on our relationship, good and bad. The good effect is that we've actually become more aware of how strong our feelings are for one another & we've developed a tighter bond/connection with each other. The bad effect is that my trust level for him changed drastically. Over the past few months, it has gotten much better but around November and December was when it was the worst. I could not trust him whatsoever because of his continuous lying and betrayal towards me. I still do have some trust issues that needs resolving but I'm really working on it. But this is why I believe our relationship is a little unhealthy.. I don't fully trust him like I used to which leads to extra stress on me because I'm constantly hoping and trying to prevent him from hurting me again. He hates that I don't always trust him, but he can't complain too much because it was partially his fault. I contradict myself because although I haven't gained all my trust for him back, I love that boy till the death of me and really never wanna leave him. We're making a huge effort to get past the things that's happened. It's working so far, but it takes time and patience. Time and patience :)

Making Bad Decisions/Consequences

Living in the moment. I'm pretty sure everyone has heard of the phrase. But just in case you haven't, it means to live for the present and the present only. You're not looking at the past and you're not thinking about the future. You're living for now, and nothing else matters. Some say it's the key to happiness and others say it will only cause you to make bad decisions that you'll later regret. For me, it's both. I like living in the moment because I simply do whatever I want to do, which, of course, would make happy. I feel free from all restrictions, and as if no one can stop me. But, living in the moment is also why I have gotten into trouble many times before. I don't think about my possible consequences (future) nor do I look back on similar circumstances (past). But I'm happy when "living in the moment", also. So which do I choose: unhappiness without any trouble or happiness with trouble (later)? Most of the time I choose trouble later because I believe life is about being happy no matter what anyone else thinks. It's about being you. I chase every chance I get to have happiness, because I'm often not in the best mood due to my insecurities and inner issues. I also like living in the moment because I like to rebel against people who try to tell me I can't do things. Most of the time those people are my parents. If they would tell me I couldn't do something that one of my friends could do, I would get very very upset and felt that they were restricting me for no reason.. but they were only trying to protect me because they care. I thought they were very unfair because I was a good kid (for the most part) and I felt that I should be allowed to do everything I wanted to do. But they have realized that they can't hold onto me as tight as they used to because soon enough they'll have to let me go completely. They are being somewhat more lenient now. Well, my mom is at least.

Half a year ago is when it truly opened my eyes that I should not live in the moment, even if I'm happiest when I do. There were many consequences I had to face and I realized the trouble is so much worse than the short amount of happiness I get. I think realizing this placed me a step closer to maturity. I still have my moments where I don't care about anything but the "now" but I really am working on this problem. I try to remember to think before I act. I tell myself no sometimes, to save me from trouble. I stopped doing a lot of the things I used to do all the time. I'm more cautious of what image I'm portraying when I do things. I'm making progress, slowly but surely. And I'm proud of myself for that, even if I don't always get what I want.

Can't you just be happy for my happiness?

Most of my close friends don't like me with the boy I'm with, at all. Which forces me to choose between them or him. I don't want to but I honestly think they should support me instead of down me. So I choose him most of the time. This relationship has been going on for almost a year now, they need to chill. I'm happy.. 

No one knows me.

It's so hard to be so hurt inside yet having to continuously tell myself "do not cry", remind myself to stay strong, and try to keep all my emotions inside. It's become such routine for me to put on a fake smile or utter a false laugh around others although I'm really upset or down. This builds up so much more insecurity and anger inside of me. I honestly think some doctors would diagnose me with depression if I actually came to them with all my true inner problems.

Seriously, according to WebMD, I fit each one of the symptoms o.O I think the reason I'm like this is because I have a hard time trusting people with anything. On top of that, people already irritate me so I don't really like to be considered a "friend" to many people. I might know your face and your name, but if that's it, I won't consider you my friend. So I most definitely don't trust many with my feelings. Also, I don't like showing people my "weak" side. I don't want people to see me upset or to know that I'm really broken inside. I'm sort of scared that my feelings/thoughts might be too much for a simple mind, too. I have serious issues with myself and I'm often misunderstood, so I feel like most people wouldn't even understand. I feel like I'd be wasting my breathe anyway. I like to keep it all in because I feel like I can and need to handle my problems on my own.

I'm a very naturally independent person for the most part. I guess you can say that I consider myself my own real "best friend", although I really do have best friends. Even with them, I don't show my true emotions. For example, I might tell them all my business and stuff like that but I won't really sit there and cry about it, even though I might want to. Most of the time, I laugh it off and say "It's whatever though." As a result of this, I often feel extremely alone because I don't let anyone truly know me. My friends are always "there for me" if I need to simply talk about something to them but I still find myself keeping things held within. They don't even know about my blog, because this is my place to express my true feelings. So technically, I am alone. It's just me, and my feelings and thoughts. My secrets. My true colors. The real me.